Friday, June 12, 2009

last summer

Almost a year ago today, I was told I had less than a year to live. After two months of deteriorating health, unsure diagnosis, wrong diagnosis's, different medications, and a mind full of questionable thoughts I was told what I feared the most. I didn’t cry that day, or the next. I accepted my fate and I remember just trying to show everyone in my life that it was okay. I came to really realize what the meaning, ‘everything in life happens for a reason’ truly meant. I figured that there was nothing but hard times to come and honestly I was okay with that.

This past year has been difficult in many different aspects. I’ve watched my family and loved ones cry with tears of sorrow and tears of joy. I’ve had breathing tubes put in and taken out. I’ve struggled with learning to walk again, and being able to hear my own voice after four weeks of being unable to speak. I know that the ups and downs I faced last summer are never going to even compare to the things I’m going to encounter in the future because nothing was that difficult.

If I were to experience this again, I would accept it as I did the first time around. Despite the hardships that came with what happened, I was surrounded by loved ones every single day. And if things were to happen differently, if things were to be worse, then that would be fine because I can’t change what’s already going to happen. The only things I can change are my attitude about it, and make the most out of what was to come.

To be honest I never thought I would have had such a great turnaround. I remember thinking in the hospital that there wasn’t anything I could do, but when things started to look better, when I was still able to lift my left hand up, when I was starting to regain a little strength I knew I couldn’t waste it. I knew that I had to keep trying, keep fighting, and keep doing my best to get past whatever it was that was holding me back.

Even to this day despite multiple doctors’ visits, MRIs, cardio appointments, etc, the doctors are still unsure of what exactly happened to me. They think it’s an isolated case, a onetime occurrence, but they said they couldn’t say that for certain. All I know is that without the love and support of the people around me, the people I don’t know, the amazing hospital staff at Children’s (21 is the age limit there! Aha!) I wouldn’t be where I am today. You all made me keep fighting, you all gave me the strength I needed to push myself, your support kept me from giving up in the moments where that’s all I wanted to do.

So thank you for your thoughts, for your prayers, and for just showing me love in the time where I needed it the most. And I hope that you all know I appreciate everything you’ve all done, and I care about each and every one of you (even if I don’t know you, or we don’t speak anymore). I wish you all the best, and I will keep doing my best to make a difference in this world and to show you all that your thoughts weren’t wasted.